


a thought that might alarm you

by cabriesun



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Post-Voltron: Legendary Defender Season/Series 07, Showers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 16:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabriesun/pseuds/cabriesun
Summary: Shiro is in desperate need of a reminder and nothing more. A reminder of who he is, who he's been through, and what he does and doesn't deserve.Keith is there to give it to him. He's always there; no matter the time or place. After all, Atlas can't hold the weight of the world on his own.





	a thought that might alarm you

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all! first fic under the new name wow, what a time.
> 
> shout out to shance support squad for putting together the zine that this is featured in: atlas. you can get your free pdf [here](https://shancesupportsquad.tumblr.com/post/183127067557/atlas-is-finally-here-there-are-over-100-pages) and check out the other stories and art pieces and the incredible formatting (i did it tehe).
> 
> hope you enjoy this lovely sheith <33

When Shiro’s in the shower, he thinks.

He doesn’t have a lot of time to while balancing his responsibilities as the captain of the Atlas and still consuming his time with the paladins and any other odd jobs he can find. The man always manages to become so busy when he doesn’t have the slightest need to. It makes him wonder if there’s a purpose behind his constant need for something,  _ anything _ .

Regardless, self-care is a necessity, therefore unavoidable. The only other place his thoughts could corner him are in the bedroom. But there’s an abundance of distractions to keep him from straying too far, all in the form of Keith Kogane. His skin, his hands, his hair that’s grown a bit too long for everyone’s liking but Shiro’s. Ninety-eight percent of the time, Keith is there for him to kiss and touch long enough to slip into a peaceful lull that leads straight to sleep. 

Unfortunately, their schedules overlap so frequently now that Shiro isn’t granted the same luxury when he’s ready to turn in for the night. 

The water that jets from above run against Shiro’s skin, chasing away dirt and soap suds that disappear down the drain of their tub. He can’t tear his eyes away from his left hand. Keith is probably somewhere on one of the lower levels of the Atlas, teaching some oddball class someone dragged him in for. It’s around that time when he’s usually pulled away from his duties as the Black Paladin to assist elsewhere. Before it was Shiro they would tug away but… 

Paperwork. His life is paperwork now. Besides, he isn’t feeling that deserving of the titles he’s earned, retired nor currently claimed. It’s most likely best that Keith is the one everyone looks to; at least, amongst the younger soldiers.

There were times—okay, a  _ lot  _ of times—back before Kerberos, that Shiro felt like he was a walking entity. It’s not the most humble position, but no person is perfect. There were now physical, permanent representations of that carved into his skin. And perhaps that was just it. The Shiro that left for Kerberos, a confident, curious pilot looking to discover everything the stars had to offer, wasn’t the Shiro that returned. The Shiro that returned wasn’t even  _ of  _ Earth. He came back a murderer, blood on every bit of his hands. This Shiro didn’t deserve to lead, and the reality of that only become more painful with every day he spends at the bridge of the Atlas.

He doesn’t deserve what he has after what he’s done. Maybe that’s why he’s so… _ okay  _ with Keith taking over. Because it’s for the better.

“Shiro?”

His eyes widen, finally moving from his hand to Keith’s unruly head of hair swept into a loose ponytail that sends a chill crawling down his spine.  _ God _ . He’s handsome no matter the day or occasion. He’s handsome when he’s coming back from missions with blood dribbling down the side of his head, handsome when he’s just waking up and his mane is sticking to his skin, his skin coated in drool and his eyes, drained of life yet so endlessly entrancing. It  _ hurts _ , having to look at him when Shiro can’t give him what he deserves.

“You’re still in here?” His smile is gentle as he takes his jacket off with ease. Shiro doesn’t bother to shield his body from Keith’s eye. He’s seen it all, anyway.

“How long has it been?” he asks, his tone quiet.

“If you went in after I saw you last, almost an hour and a half.”

_ Jesus _ . He’s been trapped in for longer than he thought he’d be. 

“Everything’s fine,” Shiro tries to assure his lover, “I just needed some time to unwind.”

“Shiro, I never asked if something was wrong.”

Despite the silence, Keith shucks the rest of his clothes off, kicking them to the side and refusing to tear his eyes away from Shiro’s still body behind the glass. The screech of the shower door causes hairs to stand up along his skin. It’s fear, and he knows it’s not normal. The last time he was genuinely afraid, he was in the gladiator area. 

“Hey,” Keith says it just as softly as he spoke when he entered the bathroom, his hands coarse from training and work trailing up his biceps. They’re the same height now, Keith’s chin able to rest comfortably on Shiro’s shoulder, and it fascinates the elder just like everything else. He lets his head fall back to nestle into Keith’s shoulder, letting out a breath he’s certain he’s been holding for too long.

“Shiro,” Keith starts again, “it’s me.  _ Me _ . You can tell me anything.”

Everything, and anything. But…not this.

“I’ve just had a rough couple of weeks,” he tries to feign it, “please, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“It’s my  _ job  _ to worry about it.” Keith steps in front of him, his fingertips tracing the dips of his collarbone as he does so. He still manages to be gentle, which is so uncommon that Shiro can’t help but  _ notice  _ it. He’s seen Keith in his softer moments, but there’s an extra ounce of care tonight. Something changed…

“What…happened with you today? You seem different…” Shiro tries his hand at what seems to be a growing interrogation.

“I…” Keith’s gaze turns from his, aimed at the tile beneath them, “I’ve heard things? There are some crew members that have noticed your lack of…presence.”

“Presence?”

“Mental presence. Just that, they’re worried. And then when everyone else gets worried  _ I’m  _ worried, especially because I usually notice these things, and then it’s all a mess—”

  
Keith groans, drawing away from Shiro to curl into himself. Shiro observes as his scars stretch with the bend of his body, the low exhausted sound still echoing    
  
“Back when we were in space it was so much easier to read you, to keep up and make sure everything was okay between us. But we’ve shifted from seven people to seven  _ thousand _ .”

His hand reaches to cradle Shiro’s jaw. Shiro can’t help how he leans into it.

“I just…are you okay?”

Shiro’s heart flares, lodging into his throat as if his body is trying to stop him from communicating any of his concerns. He’s never had to defend himself from Keith no matter what it was. That shouldn’t have changed, but it  _ did _ , and Shiro couldn’t burn the feeling no matter how hard he tried. 

“Keith…”

“Shiro, we’ve talked about this. The… the keeping things from me, the not talking to me until it all blows up in our faces. I know it’s not exactly the best message coming from the one who started it, but…”

Shiro’s hands fall to Keith’s naked hips when he’s pulled closer, their foreheads knocking together.

“I am  _ here  _ for you. I’m on your side, no matter what.”

“Maybe that’s just it,” Shiro manages to get the first words out, and then he can’t stop. “I don’t deserve that from you, Keith.”

“I don’t understand—”

“I’m not  _ me _ , Keith.”

Keith’s expression softens. They’ve had this conversation before, and it shows in his face. That determined look in his eyes, that he’s got the remedy to Shiro’s problem. He used the wrong words; he’s said this to Keith plenty of times, he realizes. In the Black Lion after they’d just recovered his soul from the astral plane when he slipped into panic as soon as space became too vast, each and every time he wakes up from a nightmare that leaves him stumbling in his quarters until the sun rises outside.

He couldn’t let the other paladins see that side of him back then. There was no doubt in the air that all of them held some sort of fear taking on the challenge they had accepted all those years ago. And they all looked to  _ him _ . With their hopeful, lost eyes in need of guidance from someone that had more strength and experience than all of them.

A man like that has no room to be afraid.

But Keith had already seen all of him prior to that. To run to him for the first time was almost automatic. Keith can read him, see through him as if there’s nothing hiding his emotions. The way he walked into the bathroom and knew something was wrong the moment he had a chance to breathe… that’s just how they  _ are _ . 

And he always knows how to fix it, or help, or make things tolerable at the most. It’s a gift. Keith is the most wonderful thing in Shiro’s life and as he stands above him, unable to tear his eyes away from the wet hair that latches on to the dip of his collarbone, he  _ hates himself. _

“Shiro, if this is about the transfer, you know I’ll be here for you through every step of it.”

“No no, not just the transfer. Before that, before the fight with Zarkon, and before you saved me that night. I’m talking about Kerberos.”

“What about it? Shiro, I’m not following.” Keith reaches to touch his shoulder but Shiro is quick to retract.

“I’m talking about the fact that I left as someone, and came back as someone else.”

“Shiro…”

The shower turns off. Keith’s fingers tangling in Shiro’s hair, soapy water dripping from the ends.

“I’m not a good man, Keith.”

The small massage comes to a hurtling stop, his eyes now forced to meet Keith’s.

“What do you—”

“I used to be, but, now I’m not. I came back a murderer. The arena, there… so much happened there and I barely remember my days in my cell but Keith I remember the  _ bodies _ . I remember every person, every  _ creature _ that died because  _ I  _ needed to survive.”

“Shiro Shiro Shiro,” Keith hushes him. “Matt. Remember Matt? You saved him. If you were so focused on surviving, you wouldn’t have sacrificed yourself for him.”

“Besides Matt, Keith! He’s  _ one person _ . I had a single purpose in that gladiator ring and I let them use me, I let them take everything away from me.”

His head turns in the small cage Keith has made with his hands. Despite Shiro constantly fighting to avoid his broken stare, he doesn’t succeed. His own eyes water.

“I should have just let them take me from the start. So many more would have lived.”   
  


“Are you listening to yourself?” Keith barely lets the air clear before he’s rambling off, “The Shiro I know would have realized how many lives he  _ saved  _ fighting in that gladiator ring. If you hadn’t survived, Earth would have stood no chance against the Galra. You do realize that  _ you’re  _ the person that the brought the Blue Lion to us?”

“But Keith if I could have just done it another way— _ any  _ way that could have saved everyone, I would have! But I wasn’t even thinking about it! I was scared, and it made me a coward. A fucking  _ coward _ . I could have escaped! I could have done it, Keith, I’m not an  _ idiot _ . The fear just— and I couldn’t— it just—-”

“It was too much.”

Shiro sobs. The rest of his words are caught in his throat, tangled between what has the power to be blood-curdling screams.

“I could have done better.” He covers his face, coughs on his own despair. “I’m h-horrible Keith. No amount of soul transferral can change that.”

He wishes the water was running. Shiro sounds pathetic crying his eyes out in front of Keith. But at the same time, he can’t remember the last time a string has snapped like this. The last time he really  _ felt  _ something this heavy and let it run its course instead of burying it underneath his title and stature. Hot tears feel unfamiliar, but they slide down his cheeks all the same. 

Keith has yet to speak up, though his hand is still curled up in Shiro’s hair. He can imagine how white his knuckles are from how tight his small grip is. As white as the hair atop his head.

“Then what am I, Shiro?”

He can’t stop crying to answer, and at that Keith is urging him up after a few more second of watching him grovel.

“Hey hey, you know I hate to see you like this,” he coos, his lips pressing onto the skin behind his ear, “come on, sit up.”

The last time Keith saw him cry was when he visited Adam’s grave. Shiro doesn’t remember a single instance of that day. Keith had insisted on being there, too.  He was hovering not too far away, though Shiro insisted he needed to properly say goodbye on his own. The memorial set up in the Garrison wasn’t enough for him, after all. And once he reached out to the family members that had survived and narrowed things down to a pin, it wasn’t that difficult for him to find a way.  

The day is blotched with his tears but anything else he remembers is filled to the brim with Keith.

He lets Keith hold him as he braces himself on the shower floor before settling back against the wall.

  
“God, this is cold,” he groans.

“Sorry,” Shiro sniffs.

“Don’t worry about that. Answer my question.”

“What question?” he asks, “I’m sorry, I missed it.”

“If you, sacrificing someone else’s life to save someone you care about, in Matt’s case, and well, the  _ Earth _ ’s case, then what does that make me?”

“What do you mean?”

Keith smiles as if it’s a sweet past time.

“Sendak.”

He strokes his fingers down the buzzed side of Shiro’s head with a delicacy the captain didn’t think was possible coming from Keith. But he did forget about Sendak, in the heat of it all.

“That’s different, Keith. He was a tyrant. Something had to be done.” 

“And while that’s true and extremely common knowledge,” he hums, “I’m sure the Galra didn’t think that of him. They probably called him a legend, a titan, the destroyer of all worlds but the savior of theirs.”

Shiro has managed to stop crying by now. Keith’s voice has lowered profusely, barely echoing off the bathroom walls anymore.

“There’s two sides, Shiro. You’re only looking at one when you look back at the gladiator arena. I killed Sendak, to save  _ you _ . Because I love  _ you _ . And I love the  _ Earth _ .”

“We’re defenders of the  _ universe _ .”

“The universe is a wide, wide place.” He mumbles it as his own tears dampen Shiro’s skin, “you don’t deserve to hold the burden of it all. You never did.”

“But…”

“To be a good man doesn’t mean you’ll have clean hands forever. You recognize the path you’ve had to take. You feel that and you acknowledge that it was wrong. It’s not like you lost your moral compass along the way. Besides, you are more than what got you here. You are who you are  _ because  _ of what you’ve been through. You did what you needed to do to survive and Shiro that is all  _ anyone  _ asks of you. To fight. And you do. And you  _ did _ .”

“Right,” Shiro says, his regard falling to his hands tiredly.

“And honestly?”   
  
Keith adjusts their positions so he can look Shiro in the eyes when he says this.

“Who cares if you’re a good man? You’re good to me.”

Shiro’s eyes well with tears all over again, but they hold such a stronger meaning. “Keith…”

“You’re good to  _ me _ . You love  _ me _ . And despite the lives that have been lost to those hands, those are the hands that hold me and touch me and love  _ me _ .”

Keith holds Shiro’s hands, as if to emphasize their use.

“You’re a good man to me. You always have been, Shiro.”

He kisses him gently after his speech and Shiro can’t do anything that isn’t melting into Keith’s lips and his words and  _ God  _ what a gift he’s been given. It’s in dire, tragic times such as these that he’s not just reminded, but  _ shocked  _ by how lucky he is.

“I love you,” Shiro is stumbling out before Keith has the chance to pull away to breath, “I love you so much I don’t deserve—”

“Stop that,” Keith whispers, his hands never stuttering, needily clasped into Shiro’s, “stop that, stop  _ saying that  _ because we’re  _ all  _ monsters, Shiro. If you don’t deserve me,  _ you?  _ Then I don’t want to be with anyone else. Just…”

Keith dips down, catching his lips in his again.

“Just stop. Let me be yours.”

“Yes…” Shiro whispers, the word barely even a second thought in his head, “yes,” his heart is thumping in tune with the teardrops cascading from his eyes, “ _ yes yes yes _ Keith—”

“Let’s fucking get  _ married  _ already!” Keith’s eyes are starting to overflow again, “I want your last name on my badge, on our paperwork—”

“Okay,” Shiro whimpers, pressing a shaky kiss to his temple before scooping his naked body off of the ground, “we’ll get married Keith, we’ll get married.”

“I love you,” he breathes into Shiro’s shoulder, “I love you I love you I  _ love you _ …”

“I know,” Shiro whispers back. He  _ really  _ knows this time. He’s choking on the declaration upon hearing it again but he also feels it pumping in his blood, coursing through his veins, keeping him  _ alive  _ in this world where everything has somehow been  _ taken  _ from him but Keith…

No. He doesn’t need to say it. It’s just a thought. They’re all thoughts that he chooses to dwell on no matter the time or place in his life, when the present is speeding away before his very eyes.

They’re all just  _ thoughts _ . He can watch the weight and burden flitter away as quickly as they appear. 

Shiro never wants to fall apart like this again, so much as he can help it. He knows he can’t heal overnight, but for once he doesn’t feel alone. He knew he wasn’t, but the fact is so blatant now it’s a fresh breath of air.

They leave the bathroom, lips locked and eyes glittering with hope and love for the future they planned to seal.

The thoughts fall down the shower drain.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](https://cabriesun.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/cabriesunz) for more voltron content!


End file.
